I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
