Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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