Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
