I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
