She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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