Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Randomize
