I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
