i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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