i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
