you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
