why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Randomize
