Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
