Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
