Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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