the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i would punch a child for taco bell
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
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Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
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Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?