We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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