I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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