Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
