So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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