Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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