i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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