Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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