Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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