I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
