come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
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