Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
