In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
