Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
