mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
