Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
