I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Randomize
