Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize