Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
