apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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