Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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