I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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