Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
