On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
