she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
