Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
