stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
