Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
