i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
