they need to just BURY HIM!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
