What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
