non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
