Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
dude. I can hear the air.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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