Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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