Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
