Already got asked if we're dating
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
