After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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