nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
