You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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