Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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