Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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