turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
