I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
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We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
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Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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