i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
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That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
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I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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