I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
