Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
